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Mega Mascot Madness 2010

MIDWEST
Lehigh Mountain Hawks kill Kansas Jayhawks
hawk vs. hawk appears to be a tough choice, but reading the jayhawk wiki clinches it “The Jayhawk is a mythical cross between two birds — the noisy blue jay and the quiet sparrow hawk.”
Northern Iowa Panthers eat UNLV Rebels
Normally armed humans beat animals but in this case the UNLV mascot Hey Reb! was the deciding factor. “Hey Reb! made his first debut in 1983 as a long mustached, musket carrying cartoon rebel. Hey Reb! was given a make over in 1997 becoming more muscular and taking away his musket.”
Apparently Hey Reb had the same thoughts as McGwire, Sosa, Bonds et al. Unfortunately Hey Reb! doesn’t hit dingers, Hey Reb! has to fight a panther. Shoulda kept the gun.
NMSU Aggies vs. Michigan State Spartans
NMSU’s mascot is named Pistol Pete and armed. Sorry Spartans you lose based on gunpowder.
Houston Cougars eat Maryland Terps
Tennessee Volunteers shoot SDSU Aztecs
Looseknit militia wins based on gunpowder.
Ohio Bobcats defeat Georgetown Hoyas
What is a hoya exactly? The mascot is a bulldog Consulting the wiki:
“The University admits that the precise origin of the term “Hoya” is unknown.[1] At some point before 1893, students well-versed in classical languages combined the Greek hoia or hoya, meaning “what” or “such”, and the Latin saxa to form Hoya Saxa!, or “What Rocks!”[2] This cheer may either refer to the stalwart defense of the football team, or to the baseball team, which was nicknamed the “Stonewalls”, or to the actual stone wall that surrounds the campus.[3]”
So you essentially have a bobcat versus a latin stone wall or a bulldog. Bobcat wins.
OSU Cowboys vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
This matchup turns out to have huge implications as Yellow Jackets are in the all armed human or animal bracket. In the end we decided that the cowboy would be smart enough to stomp a single yellow jacket and if there were a hive would likely burn it safely after dark. There is also historical precedent. It’s not like Oklahoma is ruled by Wasp overlords. (insert white anglo-saxon protestant joke here)
UCSB Gauchos eat OSU Buckeyes
Round of 32
Panthers kill Mountain Hawks
Aggies shoot Cougars
Volunteers shoot Bobcats
Cowboys kill Gauchos with blatant North American bias.
Sweet 16
Aggies shoot Panthers
Volunteers shoot Cowboys
Elite 8
Volunteers shoot Aggies
WEST
Vermont Catamounts defeat Syracuse Orange
FSU Seminoles kill Gonzaga Bulldogs
UTEP Miners pickaxe Butler Bulldogs
Vandy Commodores broadside Murray St. Racers
One of the more amusing matchups of the tourney. Naval commanders vs. race horses. Who would stage such a battle? In any case the nod goes to the navy.
Xavier Musketeers shoot Minnesota Golden Gophers
Normally having a color in your animal names denotes special powers, but in this case the animal is still a gopher. Sure the musketeer might have to shoot the gopher twice to kill it but muscketeer still gets the pelt.
Oakland Golden Grizzlies kill Pitt Panthers
Finally, a fierce animal with a color prefix. You don’t get much meaner than a Golden Grizzly. Check out the juiced mascot, too. http://theshiver.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/oakland.gif
Florida Gators eat BYU Cougars
(insert desperate housewife joke here. i.e. nothing defeats a cougar if she’s determined)
KSU Wildcats defeat North Texas Mean Green
We had to consult the wiki again about what a mean green is. “UNT’s mascot is the eagle and was adopted in 1922 in a student election over the dragon, the lion and the cottontail rabbit.[8]”
Sorry, if Mean Green were a giant green tornado, you’d have something. A green eagle doesn’t inspire much fear, even if it is near St. Patrick’s Day.
Round of 32
Seminoles kill Catamounts
Commodores blockade Miners?
Golden Grizzlies maul Musketeers
Gators eat Wildcats
Sweet 16
Commodores forcibly relocate Seminoles
Golden Grizzlies maul gators
Elite 8
Golden Grizzlies defeat Commodores
Vandy’s luck runs out. While a naval commander could probably figure out how to defeat a horse, some miners, and some indians I think the sight of a juiced, angry, Golden Grizzly would be too much for the Commodore.
EAST
ETSU Bucs kill Kentucky Wildcats
Wake Forest Demon Deacons defeat Texas Longhorns
Every year we have the, “what is a demon deacon?” debate. Their mascot looks like a possessed Jay Leno (on a motorcycle?) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DemonDeaconACB.jpg
We’re attributing the strange look to the possession and demonic superpowers so unless a Demon Deacon meets a Friar they’re pretty solid.
Cornell Big Red defeats Temple Owls
Cornell is saved by the fact Big Red refers to a big red bear. Plus, owls are kinda chumpy unless you’re a field mouse or rabbit.
Wisconsin Badgers eviscerate Wofford Boston Terriers
Marquette Golden Eagles defeat Washington Huskies
Note a golden eagle is an actual species of eagle and not one with superpowers. In any case we figure the huskie would be disinterested in this battle and allow the eagle snatch victory.
Montana Grizzlies defeat New Mexico Lobos
BEARS VERSUS WOLVES! TONIGHT ON SPIKE TV!
Missouri Tigers defeat Clemson Tigers
We had to go deep into tie breakers to settle this one. Both are tigers, both of their mascots look kinda chumpy. A guy in a tiger suit really doesn’t inspire much fear. This battle was settled by logos. An M with an angry tiger beats an orange paw print.
West Virgina Moutaineers shoot Morgan State Bears
We were confused about how this would come out. Muskets aren’t a great weapon when fighting a bear, but we were ultimately swayed by the lyrics from the Ballad of Davy Crockett:
Born on a mountain top in Tennessee,
Greenest state in the land of the free.
Raised in the woods so’s he knew every tree,
Killed him a bear when he was only three.
Davy, Davy Crockett King of the Wild Frontier.
I feel like we’ve been given explicit instructions that a mountaineer can and will defeat a bear, even at the tender age of three. WVU wins.
Round of 32
Demon Deacons possess Bucs
Big Red (bear) defeats Badgers
Grizzlies maul Golden Eagles
Tigers eat Mountaineers
Sorry Davy, you needed another verse about going to India and taking out a bengal tiger.
Sweet 16
Demon Deacons possess Big Red
Grizzlies maul Tigers
Elite 8
Demon Deacons possess Grizzlies
SOUTH
Duke Blue Devils defeat Arkansas Pine-Bluff Golden Lions
A tough matchup for a brilliant mascot. Their logo is a flaming lion head which would destroy all other animals and armed humans. Unfortunately they drew a colored, demonic supernatural beast. The selection committee is cruel.
Cal Golden Bears eat Louisville Cardinals
Utah St. Aggies out draw Texas A&M Aggies
Aggie battle! The mascot for Utah State is Big Blue who is an angry looking ox. Texas A&M? Reveille, a collie. Ox > collie.
While researching this we found this gem. I mean who can make stuff like this up?
“For a few years, USU used an actual white bull, painted blue, which was brought to sporting events and corralled on the sidelines. However, when the Smith Spectrum was built, there were concerns with the bull ruining the floor. For a short time, the bull was outfitted with rubber boots, which idea didn’t pan out.”
Purdue Boilermakers defeat Siena Saints
Again, a mascot battle. You have a dude with a sledge hammer (or alternatively a train) versus a Saint Bernard. Nothing to imply this saint is like cujo, either. Purdue wins.
Old Dominion Monarchs defeat Notre Dame Irish
The monarchs mascot is a lion and the irish are probably still hungover from St. Patricks Day. Plus we hate Notre Dame.
Baylor Bears maul Sam Houston St. Bearkats
Another classic quandry. What is a bearkat?
Early references to “Bearkats” spelled the name either “Bearcats,” “Bear Cats,” or “Bearkats.” A bearcat is said by some to be a kinkajou, a small, golden, carnivorous mammal that resides in the jungles of South America. It is doubtful those who coined the “Bearkat” nickname had either a kinkajou or a binturong in mind. However, more likely, the name came from a popular local saying of the time, “Tough as a Bearkat!” Since the animal in the saying was thought more mythical than real, the spelling settled upon was “Bearkat.”
In the end it’s clear to us that a bear defeats a made up animal created by a semi-literate southerner.
St. Mary’s Gaels crush Richmond Spiders with a rolled up newspaper
I love St. Mary’s. The Gaels mascot is a 10 foot tall armored highlander named Gael Force One. It doesn’t get much tougher than that. Plus the St. Mary’s mascot is available for parties:
All ages love the 10-foot tall Gael Force One, it’s sure to be a hit at your event. If you want to make your event memorable, send an invitation to Gael Force One!
How do you put a price on such things? I wonder if he’ll come to Boston?
Villanova Wildcats defeat Robert Morris Colonials
The Colonial mascot does not appear to be armed and is instead sporting a dapper tri-corner hat. Also apparently RMU has a world class bowling team. I think the Wildcats eat the bowling colonists.
Round of 32
Blue Devils destroy Golden Bears
Boilermakers defeat Aggies (Big blue ox)
A friend points out that trains have cowcatchers specifically for this purpose.
Bears defeat Monarchs
Gaels defeat Wildcats
Sweet 16
Blue Devils destroy Boilermakers
Gaels defeat Bears
Elite 8
Blue Devils destroy Gaels
Even a 10 foot tall armed scotman is no match for a blue devil.
In the final 4
Blue Devils over Demon Deacons in a supernatural demon battle.
Golden Grizzlies over Volunteers
National Champ
Duke Blue Devils
See you next year!

Ever since approximately 1995 my friend Mike and I have been entering an NCAA bracket based on what would happen if the mascots were forced to battle each other. The discussion is always fairly comical and it gives us something interesting to root for in the first round since our own serious picks go in the tank early. If you’re looking for a new way to be interested in round 1 of the tourney, feel free to use our choices in your pool. We guarantee you won’t win any money with these!

As always, let me know if you want to argue our choices. There’s no theory too crazy for the mascot battle. In the meantime, enjoy our picks!

MIDWEST

  • Lehigh Mountain Hawks kill Kansas Jayhawks

Hawk vs. Hawk appears to be a tough choice, but reading the jayhawk wiki clinches it “The Jayhawk is a mythical cross between two birds — the noisy blue jay and the quiet sparrow hawk.” Sorry Kansas, you’re the first upset.

  • Northern Iowa Panthers eat UNLV Rebels

Normally armed humans beat animals but in this case the UNLV mascot Hey Reb! was the deciding factor.  “Hey Reb! made his first debut in 1983 as a long mustached, musket carrying cartoon rebel. Hey Reb! was given a make over in 1997 becoming more muscular and taking away his musket.”

Apparently in 1997 Hey Reb! had the same thoughts as McGwire, Sosa, Bonds et al. Unfortunately Hey Reb! doesn’t hit dingers, Hey Reb! has to fight a panther. Shoulda kept the gun.

  • NMSU Aggies vs. Michigan State Spartans

NMSU’s mascot is named Pistol Pete and armed. Sorry Spartans you lose based on gunpowder.

  • Houston Cougars eat Maryland Terps
  • Tennessee Volunteers shoot SDSU Aztecs

Loose-knit militia wins based on gunpowder.

  • Ohio Bobcats defeat Georgetown Hoyas

What is a hoya exactly? The mascot is a bulldog. Consulting the wiki: “The University admits that the precise origin of the term “Hoya” is unknown.[1] At some point before 1893, students well-versed in classical languages combined the Greek hoia or hoya, meaning “what” or “such”, and the Latin saxa to form Hoya Saxa!, or “What Rocks!”[2] This cheer may either refer to the stalwart defense of the football team, or to the baseball team, which was nicknamed the “Stonewalls”, or to the actual stone wall that surrounds the campus.[3]”

So you essentially have a bobcat versus a latin stone wall or a bulldog.  Bobcat wins.

  • OSU Cowboys vs. Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

This matchup turns out to have huge implications as Yellow Jackets are in the all armed human or animal bracket. In the end we decided that the cowboy would be smart enough to stomp a single yellow jacket and if there were a hive would likely burn it safely after dark. There is also historical precedent. It’s not like Oklahoma is ruled by Wasp overlords. (insert white anglo-saxon protestant joke here)

  • UCSB Gauchos eat OSU Buckeyes

ROUND OF 32

  • Panthers kill Mountain Hawks
  • Aggies shoot Cougars
  • Volunteers shoot Bobcats
  • Cowboys kill Gauchos with blatant North American bias.

North American Cowboys versus South American Cowboys!

Sweet 16

  • Aggies shoot Panthers
  • Volunteers shoot Cowboys

Elite 8

  • Volunteers shoot Aggies

WEST

  • Vermont Catamounts defeat Syracuse Orange
  • FSU Seminoles kill Gonzaga Bulldogs
  • UTEP Miners pickaxe Butler Bulldogs
  • Vandy Commodores broadside Murray St. Racers

One of the more amusing matchups of the tourney. Naval commanders vs. race horses. Who would stage such a battle? In any case the nod goes to the navy.

  • Xavier Musketeers shoot Minnesota Golden Gophers

Normally having a color in your animal names denotes special powers, but in this case the animal is still a gopher. Sure the musketeer might have to shoot the gopher twice to kill it but musketeer still gets the pelt.

  • Oakland Golden Grizzlies kill Pitt Panthers

Finally, a fierce animal with a color prefix. You don’t get much meaner than a Golden Grizzly. Check out the juiced mascot, too. http://theshiver.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/oakland.gif

  • Florida Gators eat BYU Cougars

Unfortunately for BYU we’re talking animal brand of Cougars. (insert desperate housewife joke here. i.e. nothing defeats a cougar if she’s determined)

  • KSU Wildcats defeat North Texas Mean Green

We had to consult the wiki again about what a mean green is. “UNT’s mascot is the eagle and was adopted in 1922 in a student election over the dragon, the lion and the cottontail rabbit.[8]”

Sorry, if Mean Green were a giant green tornado, you’d have something. A green eagle doesn’t inspire much fear, even if it is near St. Patrick’s Day.

Round of 32

  • Seminoles kill Catamounts
  • Commodores blockade Miners?
  • Golden Grizzlies maul Musketeers
  • Gators eat Wildcats

Sweet 16

  • Commodores forcibly relocate Seminoles
  • Golden Grizzlies maul gators

Elite 8

  • Golden Grizzlies defeat Commodores

Vandy’s luck runs out. While a naval commander could probably figure out how to defeat a horse, some miners, and some indians I think the sight of a juiced, angry, Golden Grizzly would be too much for the Commodore.

EAST

  • ETSU Bucs kill Kentucky Wildcats
  • Wake Forest Demon Deacons defeat Texas Longhorns

Every year we have the, “what is a demon deacon?” debate. Their mascot looks like a possessed Jay Leno (on a motorcycle?) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:DemonDeaconACB.jpg

We’re attributing the strange look to the possession and demonic superpowers so unless a Demon Deacon meets a Friar they’re pretty solid.

  • Cornell Big Red defeats Temple Owls

Cornell is saved by the fact Big Red refers to a big red bear. Plus, owls are kinda chumpy unless you’re a field mouse or rabbit.

  • Wisconsin Badgers eviscerate Wofford Boston Terriers
  • Marquette Golden Eagles defeat Washington Huskies

Note a golden eagle is an actual species of eagle and not one with superpowers. In any case we figure the huskie would be disinterested in this battle and allow the eagle to snatch a victory.

  • Montana Grizzlies defeat New Mexico Lobos

BEARS VERSUS WOLVES! TONIGHT ON SPIKE TV!

  • Missouri Tigers defeat Clemson Tigers

We had to go deep into tie breakers to settle this one. Both are tigers, both of their mascots look kinda chumpy. A guy in a tiger suit really doesn’t inspire much fear. This battle was settled by logos. An M with an angry tiger beats an orange paw print.

  • West Virginia Moutaineers shoot Morgan State Bears

We were confused about how this would come out. Muskets aren’t a great weapon when fighting a bear, but we were ultimately swayed by the lyrics from the Ballad of Davy Crockett:

Born on a mountain top in Tennessee,

Greenest state in the land of the free.

Raised in the woods so’s he knew every tree,

Killed him a bear when he was only three.

Davy, Davy Crockett King of the Wild Frontier.

I feel like we’ve been given explicit instructions that a mountaineer can and will defeat a bear, even at the tender age of three. Also, Tennessee and West Virginia aren’t the same state but they’re close enough. WVU wins.

Round of 32

  • Demon Deacons possess Bucs
  • Big Red (bear) defeats Badgers
  • Grizzlies maul Golden Eagles
  • Tigers eat Mountaineers

Sorry Davy, you needed another verse about going to India and taking out a bengal tiger.

Sweet 16

  • Demon Deacons possess Big Red
  • Grizzlies maul Tigers

Elite 8

  • Demon Deacons possess Grizzlies

SOUTH

  • Duke Blue Devils defeat Arkansas Pine-Bluff Golden Lions

A tough matchup for a brilliant mascot. Their logo is a flaming lion head which would destroy all other animals and armed humans. Unfortunately they drew a colored, demonic supernatural beast. The selection committee is cruel.

  • Cal Golden Bears eat Louisville Cardinals
  • Utah St. Aggies out draw Texas A&M Aggies

Aggie battle! The mascot for Utah State is Big Blue who is an angry looking ox. Texas A&M? Reveille, a collie. Ox > collie.

While researching this we found this gem. I mean who can make stuff like this up?

“For a few years, USU used an actual white bull, painted blue, which was brought to sporting events and corralled on the sidelines. However, when the Smith Spectrum was built, there were concerns with the bull ruining the floor. For a short time, the bull was outfitted with rubber boots, which idea didn’t pan out.”

  • Purdue Boilermakers defeat Siena Saints

Again, a mascot battle. You have a dude with a sledge hammer (or alternatively a train) versus a Saint Bernard. Nothing to imply this Saint Bernard is like cujo, either. Purdue wins.

  • Old Dominion Monarchs defeat Notre Dame Irish

The monarchs mascot is a lion and the irish are probably still hungover from St. Patricks Day. Plus we hate Notre Dame.

  • Baylor Bears maul Sam Houston St. Bearkats

Another classic quandry. What is a bearkat?

Early references to “Bearkats” spelled the name either “Bearcats,” “Bear Cats,” or “Bearkats.” A bearcat is said by some to be a kinkajou, a small, golden, carnivorous mammal that resides in the jungles of South America. It is doubtful those who coined the “Bearkat” nickname had either a kinkajou or a binturong in mind. However, more likely, the name came from a popular local saying of the time, “Tough as a Bearkat!” Since the animal in the saying was thought more mythical than real, the spelling settled upon was “Bearkat.”

In the end it’s clear to us that a bear defeats a made up animal created by a semi-literate southerner.

  • St. Mary’s Gaels crush Richmond Spiders with a rolled up newspaper

I love St. Mary’s. The Gaels mascot is a 10 foot tall armored highlander named Gael Force One. It doesn’t get much tougher than that. Plus the St. Mary’s mascot is available for parties.  “All ages love the 10-foot tall Gael Force One, it’s sure to be a hit at your event. If you want to make your event memorable, send an invitation to Gael Force One!”

How do you put a price on such things? I wonder if he’ll come to Boston?

  • Villanova Wildcats defeat Robert Morris Colonials

The Colonial mascot does not appear to be armed and is instead sporting a dapper tri-corner hat. Also apparently RMU has a world class bowling team. I think the Wildcats eat the bowling colonists.

Round of 32

  • Blue Devils destroy Golden Bears
  • Boilermakers defeat Aggies (Big blue ox)

A friend points out that trains have cowcatchers specifically for this purpose.

  • Bears defeat Monarchs
  • Gaels defeat Wildcats

Sweet 16

  • Blue Devils destroy Boilermakers
  • Gaels defeat Bears

Elite 8

  • Blue Devils destroy Gaels

Even a 10 foot tall armed Scotsman is no match for a blue devil.

FINAL FOUR

  • Blue Devils over Demon Deacons in a supernatural demon battle.
  • Golden Grizzlies over Volunteers

National Champ

  • Duke Blue Devils

See you next year!

Comments

Comment from Wayne
Time: March 18, 2010, 12:56 pm

Hilarious!!

Some of the match-ups are great. Unfortunately for Cal, their normally overpowering Golden Bear mascot goes up against the forces-of-darkness Blue Devils in the second round.

I didn’t realize Sam Houston St. misspelled bearcats until Santina told me last night. That’s as lame as things like the WNBA’s Utah Starzz (apparently now in San Antonio).

Comment from Eyelet Curtains %0B
Time: February 23, 2011, 4:24 pm

.`. i always thought that a blog topic about this one would be particulary interesting ..~

Pingback from Juddmansee.com » Mega Mascot Madness 2011
Time: March 15, 2011, 1:54 pm

[…] the standard disclaimer and first paragraph from last years post: Ever since approximately 1995 my friend Mike and I have been entering an NCAA bracket based on […]

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