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Mega Mascot Madness 2011

Here’s the standard disclaimer and first paragraph from last years post:
Ever since approximately 1995 my friend Mike and I have been entering an NCAA bracket based on what would happen if the mascots were forced to battle each other. The discussion is always fairly comical and it gives us something interesting to root for in the first round since our own serious picks go in the tank early. If you’re looking for a new way to be interested in round 1 of the tourney, feel free to use our choices in your pool. We guarantee you won’t win any money with these!

Except that we were wrong. A friend entered the mascot picks into an upset pool and won largely on the strength have having the St. Mary’s Gaels (and their beefy mascot Gael Force One) in the elite 8 plus having the ever powerful Duke Blue Devils win it all. So we won’t guarantee you won’t win money with these picks, we just find it extremely unlikely.

On to the picks!

EAST

  • UTSA Roadrunners eat Alabama St. Hornets (play in game)

    From the roadrunner wiki page:
    Roadrunners are omnivores and are opportunistic. Their diet normally consists of insects (such as grasshoppers, crickets, caterpillars, and beetles), small reptiles (such as lizards and snakes, including rattlesnakes), rodents and small mammals, tarantulas, scorpions, centipedes, spiders, snails, small birds, eggs, nestlings, and fruits and seeds like prickly pear cactus and sumac. The lesser roadrunner eats mainly insects. Roadrunners forage on the ground and, when hunting, usually run after prey from under cover. They may leap to catch insects, and commonly batter certain prey, such as snakes, against the ground.
    Geococcyx is the only real predator of the tarantula hawk wasps.

    Ok, this bird kicks butt. Never underestimate a roadrunner versus lizards and insects.

  • UTSA Roadrunners crack OSU Buckeyes

    The bird just beat up hornets, I think it can handle a nut.

  • George Mason Patriots shoot Villanova Wildcats

  • UAB Blazers cook Clemson Tigers (play in game)

    This years mascot hopes will largely hinge on UAB’s performance. They are the Blazers and their mascot is a dragon. Unless they run into Gael Force One (which they don’t) they are a lock to the final 4. GO UAB!

  • UAB Blazers beat WVU Moutaineers

  • Princeton Tigers eat Kentucky Wildcats

  • Xavier Musketeers shoot Marquette Golden Eagles

  • Indiana State Sycamores exist over Syracuse Orange

    For the first time in the history of the mascots a tree is advancing out of round one. Syracuse did themselves a major disservice changing from the Orangemen to the Orange. Men cut down trees. Colors… well I think we’ve decided if you can’t do better than a color for a mascot you’re not getting very far in our tourney.

  • Washington Huskies over Georgia Bulldogs

    The Michael Vick matchup of round one. In poor taste, yes, but someone had to say it.

  • UNC Tarheels stomp LIU-Brooklyn Blackbirds

    Round of 32

  • Patriots shoot Roadrunners

  • Blazers fry Tigers

  • Musketeers cut down Sycamores

  • Tarheels tame Huskies

    Sweet 16

  • Blazers cook Patriots

  • Musketeers shoot Tarheels

    Elite 8

  • Blazers defeat Musketeers

    WEST

  • Duke Blue Devils over Hampton Pirates

    Yar! What be that off the port bow? HOLY $&*%! DEVILS!

  • Tennessee Volunteers shoot Michigan Wolverines

  • Memphis Tigers maim Arizona Wildcats

  • Oakland Golden Grizzlies over Texas Longhorns

    A final four team from last year with a kick butt mascot returns! Give me a giant golden grizzly bear in a fight every time!

  • Missouri Tigers eat Cincinnati Bearcats

    See last years column. A bearcat is some sort of weird made up animal. We give the nod to the actual animal.

  • Bucknell Bison trample UConn Huskies

  • Penn State Nittany Lions eat Temple Owls

  • SDSU Aztecs defeat N. Colorado Bears

    Round of 32

  • Duke Blue Devils steal souls from Tennessee Volunteers

  • Oakland Golden Grizzlies defeat Memphis Tigers

  • Missouri Tigers cull the herd of Bucknell Bison

  • Aztecs over Nittany Lions

    Sweet 16

  • Duke Blue Devils over Oakland Golden Grizzlies

    Poor Oakland with a tough draw this year. Even a fierce golden animal is no match for a demonic force. On a positive note we won’t have to have this final four pick eliminated in round one again this year.

  • SDSU Aztecs over Missouri Tigers

    For those of you keeping track at home in the past three rounds the SDSU Aztecs have defeated Nittany Lions, Tigers, and Bears. Oh my!

    Elite 8

  • Duke Blue Devils defeat SDSU Aztecs

    Montezuma, you’re not in Tenochtitlan anymore.

    SOUTHWEST

  • BU Terriers chase Kansas Jayhawks

  • Illinois Fightin’ Illini beat UNLV Runnin’ Rebels

    It’s an adjective battle! Fightin’ >> Runnin’ so Illinois wins.

  • Vanderbilt Commodores crush Richmond Spiders

  • Morehead State Eagles eat Louisville Cardinals

  • USC Trojans beat VCU Rams (play in game)

  • USC Trojans beat Georgetown Hoyas

  • Purdue Boilermakers sledgehammer St. Peters Peacocks

    I always love seeing who Purdue draws. It’s always amusing to think about a battle between an ironworker with a sledgehammer and some other object. In this case Purdue Pete has to battle a Peacock. Pete wins.

  • FSU Seminoles over Texas A&M Aggies

    Always a debate whether Aggies are armed humans like ranchers on the range or just farmers. In this case A&M’s mascot is a border collie. Indians defeat border collies.

  • Akron Zips over Notre Dame Fighting Irish

    Notre Dame always inspires a great deal of debate come mascot time. Are they violent Irish people? Are they leprechauns? Are they drunk?

    This year they drew the Akron Zips who were originally named for Zippers (a major industry in Akron, Ohio in the 1900s). They have changed their name to the Zips and now have a kangaroo for a mascot. In the end we chose Akron for three reasons:

    1) We think a kangaroo could outbox a leprechaun.
    2) We’ve been in our share of Irish bar bathrooms late at night and let’s just say it’s clear sometimes the zipper wins.
    3) We hate Notre Dame

    Round of 32

  • Fightin’ Illini beat Terriers

  • Commodores defeat Eagles

  • Trojans beat Boilermakers

  • Seminoles defeat Zips

    Sweet 16

  • Vandy Commodores broadside Illinois Fightin’ Illini

    Navy versus dugout canoes? No contest.

  • FSU Seminoles over USC Trojans

    Seminoles have access to gunpowder historically. Two thousand years + gunpowder is a huge advantage.

    Elite 8

  • Vandy Commodores over FSU Seminoles

    SOUTHEAST

    With this exception of St. Johns this entire bracket features armed humans, humans, and animals so we decided to fight it out gladiator style one on one in a huge pit.

  • Arkansas Little Rock Trojans over UNCA Bulldogs (play in game)

  • Arkansas Little Rock Trojans over Pitt Panthers

  • ODU Monarchs eat Butler Bulldogs

    Old Dominion’s mascot is a lion.

  • Utah State Aggies beat Kansas State Wildcats

    Utah State’s mascot is a giant blue ox. Plus there is historical precedent for ranchers/farmers defeating wildcats.

  • Belmont Bruins defeat Wisconsin Badgers

  • St. Johns Red Storm beat Gonzaga Bulldogs

    Much like Syracuse did themselves a disservice, St. Johns got a ton stronger when they went from the Redmen to the Red Storm including a new mascot, the Thunderbird. SJU is the clear favorite in this bracket of animals and humans.

  • BYU Cougars over Wofford Terriers

    I guess being a desperate middleaged Mormon housewife is not against the honor code. Oh, you mean they’re fierce cats? Well they still defeat terriers.

  • Michigan State Spartans phalanx UCLA Bruins

  • UCSB Gauchos chase Florida Gators

    We determined that these South American ranchers are not heavily armed but were resourceful enough to take care of animal issues.

    Round of 32

  • Trojans over Monarchs

  • Bruins beat Aggies

  • Red Storm over Cougars

  • Spartans defeat Gauchos

    Sweet 16

  • Trojans spear Bruins

  • Red Storm over Spartans

    Elite 8

  • Red Storm defeat Trojans

    FINAL FOUR

  • Duke Blue Devils defeat UAB Blazers

    In the end the demonic force is unstoppable, even for a dragon.

  • St. Johns Red Storm beat Vanderbilt Commodores

    In the end the Naval Commander and his ships are taken out by the Red Storm/Thunderbird/mystical creature.

    Finals

    In an otherworldly battle between the Duke Blue Devils and the St. Johns Red Storm we like Duke to win it all (as we always do). It’s a shame, because we don’t really like Duke but it’s hard to argue against their mascot unless they run into something from the priesthood.

    Until next year, happy tourney time!

  • Comments

    Comment from Wayne
    Time: March 16, 2011, 10:42 am

    This never fails to make me laugh. I especially like your use of “phalanx” as a verb.

    Comment from Pete
    Time: March 23, 2011, 12:08 pm

    Man, I was around when this started but I can never remember who can actually beat Blue Devils…off the top of my head:
    Sun Devils (Arizona State) – Sun > Blue?
    Demon Deacons (Wake Forest) – Power of both the priesthood and demonic activity.
    Friars (Providence) – is the priesthood by itself enough?
    Crusaders (Holy Cross) – Not priestly enough.
    Blue Demons (DePaul) – No, Devil > Demon.

    And is there consensus on the worst mascot?

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